Confession...

It has been 27 years and 335 days since my last confession Father. I have never come to a priest to confess my sins, because I do not belong to a denomination that upholds that tradition or believes it spiritually necessary. Still I never feel quite complete with just confessing my sins to the Almighty, and usually feel better after confessing my sins in conversation with a friend. That is a bit silly, huh? Probably quite unsound according to my denomination's doctrines too. Oh well...

A few weeks ago I sent out an e-mail to my friends and family that explained some difficulties that my wife and I were having with getting pregnant. The mistake I made was that I did not consult my wife about whether or not we could talk about this sensitive subject with our friends and family. We both have the tendency to be private people, but I a little less than her. I truthfully did not think about how she would feel with everybody knowing about this. I just knew that the fact that we were going to have to undergo tests and even the fact that we had these ambiguous pregnancy difficulties were too much for me to handle. Too much for me to handle as the man, even though 98% of the testing involved her, I was freaked out of my mind. So I turned to my friends and family who are some of the strongest Christians I know and asked them to pray for us.

However, a few days later, I found out my wife's desire to keep it a private manner. When she asked who I had told, I lied to her and told her, "just my mom". She said, "Good. I just want to know who all you've told, so I can know who to be embarrassed around." I let out a heavy gulp, and said nothing more about it. I thought about sending out another e-mail telling people not to bring it up with her, but I decided not to and just hoped nobody would.

Well lies sooner or later have a way of getting found out Father, and she found out that I had told others and was pretty upset. She was most upset that I had lied, but also that I had told basically everybody we knew which embarrassed her.

So I waited for the hammer to fall Father, when we would discuss what I did in a less than civil manner. So that happened, and she asked if I had told everybody if my sperm count was low or that they were weirdly shaped. Which I had not, but not out of self-preservation but because of her saying that she wanted to keep the issue private.

Father my intention was not to embarrass her in the first place. It was not to avoid embarrassment for myself either. I would have had no problem telling everyone that the fertility clinic found my sperm count a little lower than they like at 46 million rather than 50 million. Plus that they have a weird morphology, meaning that there size and shape were a little abnormal and the doctors suspect that I could have a urinary infection, which could be the underlying reason for the weird morphology.

Then she brought up how much stuff we have kept private out of saving me from embarrassment, so why was it so wrong for me to respect her wish to also be private. Then I just shut down because she was right, but I knew that we were both at a point where we could not discuss it without being volatile, so silence was the best option.

She was right Father, there have been many things that I have done that has been very hurtful that I have done that I did not want my friends to know about because I did not want them to know what a terrible person I could be.

I have struggled with a lust for pornography since I was 13 off and on again Father. Reluctantly, I must confess that I brought this sin into my engagement and marriage. I recently even got several hundred viruses on my wife's work computer, and we had to take it to Geek Squad at Best Buy to be fixed out of fear that if we took it to the district tech department, we would lose our jobs. That is how intense the hold of this sin is Father on me, that I would put the well-being of my spouse and I in harm in order to appease my needs.

Also probably the most damaging thing I did that put the likelihood of the two of us even getting married was my flirtations with another woman. I was inappropriately texting a friend from high school and my wife found out and it devastated her. She rightfully lost all trust in me, and to make amends in the small way that I could, I allowed her access to my e-mail account, got off Facebook, and allowed her to check my phone whenever she wanted. We entered into pre-marital counseling with our pastor at our new church. Still, and rightfully so, she became suspect of me and any relationships with other female friends and for a long time questioned whether or not I was really working late at school, when I said I was or simply using that as a cover for inappropriate behavior. Fortunately I was not deceiving her, but Father it was miserable knowing that the person I loved the most had lost nearly all trust in me.

Father, my wife is an amazing person. She had a chance to witness my darkest sides before we were married. Before we were spiritually bound to each other until death bids us part and she could have left me to be the wretched person that I am - despite knowing my fallibility fool well - she chose to love me anyways. That is why I love her, because though it may not be visible under her rough edge, boisterous personality, she is a shining, human example of the love that Christ has shown me. Why would you ever depart from that?

Yet Father, it is the double-edged sword of marriage. Marriage brings together two people who love each other more than they love any other human being on the face of the planet. However marriage means that that same person, who knows everything about you (ideally) can use that knowledge against you at times when you do not mean too, but your emotions lead you to go for the jugular.

To think it all could have been avoided if I had not lied to her in the first place, makes me even more disappointed with myself.

I have never been to confession, so I do not know how to end this.

Thank you for your time Father.